


I Remember You

by corsair



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, cs valentines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 09:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corsair/pseuds/corsair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written as a Valentine's Day present for tumblr user lovingcaptainswan.</p>
<p>A day in the life of Killian Jones during the year without Emma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Remember You

It was always the same dream. Emma was looking at him with tears in her eyes before she turned around and left forever. The memory replayed on a relentless loop until he woke up hung-over and distressed. 

He’d do anything to stop waking up this early. He’d especially love it if these early morning stirrings weren’t brought on by the throbbing pain in his head. The headaches were inevitable. He had to drink. It was the only way he could get through the day anymore, not that the nights were any easier. He trudged out of his bed and chewed on some medicinal herbs to dull the pain. He took a few more swigs of rum to get the bitter taste out of his mouth and tried to fall back asleep.

Of course it didn’t work. Of course he wasn’t going to fall back asleep. There was just too much on his mind and every topic was about _her_. There was so much to worry about. _Will I ever see Swan again? Is she happy? Does she miss me? Does she even know that she could miss me?_ It was absolute torture and he enduring it every morning.

Charming had been kind enough to offer Killian a bed in his home. He was appreciative but living with such a cutesy, happy and pregnant couple made everything hurt so much more. Their love just served as a reminder of everything he never had the chance to have with Emma.

 

 

All attempts to fall back to sleep were unsuccessful. He was all too aware of the image he would see.  The sun rose and his head was still throbbing but there was no sense in trying to do anything to fix that now. He had better get up and out of his room. His hosts had a pesky habit of checking up on him if they thought he wasn’t doing well. Of course he wasn’t doing well. It made him livid when they would assume they could do anything about it.

He had barely even stood up when the ever-meddlesome prince appeared in the doorway. He hissed out “go away, Dave,” even though he knew it was in vain.

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” David was always trying to reach out.

“Nothing is wrong, mate. I am merely getting dressed and heading out.” Hook stated as he put on his pants. He wasn’t about to let someone nicknamed “Charming” dictate what he could and could not do. He was going to do exactly what he said he was whether someone was trying to talk to him or not.

David sighed, “would you at least tell me where you’re going?”

“I suppose so as long as you’re not planning on following me.”

“I won’t follow you,” his words were sincere, “but if you’re gone too long I will come and find you.”

All Hook said was “Lake Nostos” as he pushed his way past David, storming out before the prince could delay him any longer.

 

Killian didn’t look back. He just let his legs carry him to his destination. As long as he just focused on moving he wouldn’t have to think. Unfortunately the number of steps he could take was finite. It wasn’t as long as he had hoped before he’d reached the lake.  There he had nothing except for his thoughts. He wanted to be free of all this pain but he didn’t want to forget.

He couldn’t get Emma off his mind. It was the least he could do to try to control which memories resurfaced. He made a habit of revisiting the places that reminded him of Emma. These places helped his happiest memories come into focus. Anyone else would have considered him mad for thinking of a fight – a fight that he lost - as a good memory.

_What a woman…_ he smiled faintly, remembering how she had gotten the better of him several times over during their duel. His smile was short lived. It was impossible to remember Emma, even fondly, and not to feel like he had just lost her all over again.

He looked over his shoulder to make sure that David had kept his word. He was alone. He took out his flask and drank from it. The sweet taste and after-bite of the rum calmed him even before the alcohol could take effect.  Before he could set the flash down he saw it again. He saw Emma’s teary eyes looking up at him. He drank more and he drank faster. He wished desperately that the alcohol could burn the demons up.

Once the flask was empty there was nothing to do but stare at Lake Nostos. _Lake_. Killian scoffed. Then the memories of Cora showing him there was water underneath the barren surface returned to him. He pondered for a moment whether or not he had any use for magic water and ultimately decided there was nothing he could do with it. There was no bean to restore, no ashes. It couldn’t help him get back to Emma this time.

He jolted when he heard some leaves rustle behind him.

“Bloody hell.” Hook’s words were involuntary. “I told you not to follow me. Is this a habit of yours, or do you just find me completely irresistible?”

“I know I don’t have the best track record when it comes to following your orders, _Captain_.” Charming was quick to defend himself, “I didn’t follow you this time. It’s been four hours. Snow and I are worried about you.”

“Has it really been that long? I don’t feel time move anymore.” Killian kept looking forward.

“Sounds like you’ve given up hope.”

“Fuck off, mate.”

David was silent for a moment. “You’ve tried everything you could. None of this is your fault. We’ll get back to her soon. We have a saying in my family. It’s that we will always find each other.”

“Well hurrah for you, but I said _fuck off_.” Killian hissed the words. _Goddamn heroes._

David turned to leave. Killian did not want to talk and he wasn’t going to push it. “Come home soon,” was all he said before he left.

_Home._ Was everything misnamed today? _Home_. This wasn’t his home. He’d never lived in this part of the Enchanted Forest before, he’d spent 300 years in Neverland and never felt at home there either. The only time he’d felt close to home was when he was with Emma and he knew he’d never been with her again.

He knew Charming and Snow really did care. By all accounts a room in his friend’s house would have made a fine home for anyone. In a lot of ways their hospitality made it feel less like home. He was infuriated by how cheerful they always were. How were they not even more upset than he was? Their daughter was separated from them again! They didn’t feel real to him.

He steadied his breath in an attempt to slow down his heart rate. _Home. It is the closest thing I have to one, isn’t it?_ The realization was harsh on him. He had believed his habit of lonely nights and hangovers were over. He had believed that his home would be with Emma. _That’s not the home I was hoping for, but it is where all my rum is…_ He picked himself off and walked slowly back to chez Charming. This was going to be every day unless something gave. He had to find Emma.


End file.
